Doubt Whom You Will, But Never Yourself

Doubt whom you will, but never yourself. - Christian Nestell Bovee

Inspiration comes when you least expect it and, often, from surprising places. I, more often than not, don't know when or where the idea for a blog post will come from. There are times when I sit down to purposely write about something - a song, movie, personal experience, etc.... - but it seems that lately an idea will come to me from nowhere, when I least expect it. This is one of those times.

I have a collection of quotes that I have gathered over time, some I stumble across and others I seek out. The majority of which are about nature and I have used them as inspiration for photo shoots and blog posts. I also have some under the heading of "Inspiration" which is where this title came from. Anyone with a social media account has seen the inspirational memes; I have and I collect ones that I find particularly interesting. I have no idea where this one came from but I liked it so it went in the list and was forgotten. I was looking at the list this morning and this quote jumped out at me; next thing I know I am typing it in the "title" block of this post.

This is a very powerful statement and I took it to heart. You see, like everyone else, I had dreams and aspirations when I was growing up - early on I was going to be a scientist but discovered I wasn't all that enthused with much of the science part. It was around that time (my early teens) that I discovered photography and quickly developed (pun intended) a love for it that has only gotten stronger over time. I was going to be a photographer but I had to learn how to do something else because all indications were that it was no way to make a living. There was doubt that I could make it in the art world so I got a real job in a real career. I didn't give up on photography but I accepted it as a hobby. There were many people around me who told me I was good but no one really ever said I was great and should pursue it. I did try in the late 1980's by submitting slides to a prominent calendar publisher (another story for another time….) but was soundly rejected which let me know that my doubt was not misplaced. It took nearly 30 years before I was ready to try again.

Fast-forward many years and an unhappy job situation re-ignited the fire which lead to my first experiences writing a photography blog. This was also right around the time I got my first DSLR and my daughter was leaving for her first year of college - a photography major! I started out posting a single image and maybe writing a short description. There were other times when I would write an instructional post. I got a fair reception but I wanted to do more - I love telling stories and wanted to combine my photography and storytelling. The problem was that I have always been insecure about my writing - I was filled with doubt. I had a small following and was afraid they might go away if I started writing more. I decided it didn't matter, if people didn't read it then I would just do it for myself as a hobby. Surprisingly, I didn't lose readers - I gained some! The blog evolved into one with multiple images and the story behind them. I discovered that I loved writing almost as much as I loved photography. I still had doubt about my ability as a writer and my ability to compete in the world of photography so it remained a creative outlet - nothing more.

It was a few years later that I discovered Niume which gave me the flexibility to write about many different topics and I took advantage of that; I started writing in the Business & Finance, Culture, Humour, Interesting, Lifestyle, Movies & Series, Music, Photography and Technology Spheres. In the first seven (7) months writing on Niume, I published 74 posts! Sadly, Niume grew too big, too fast and wasn’t well managed – it is no longer around. My experience with Niume prompted me to continue writing in various categories so I started writing two blogs; this one, From the Mind of Joe Valencia, and a photography blog, Exploring Photography with Joe Valencia. (Note: I have kept all of my writing from that period, updating and posting them here when I think it is appropriate; this post was originally published in October 2016.)

While I am still a little insecure (who isn't) about my writing, and photography, I no longer doubt that I am at the very least competent. A few years ago I began doing more with my photography than just sharing on Facebook and blogging; I began actively pursuing it as a part-time moneymaking endeavor. This was right around the time my daughter was graduating college with her photography degree and on the threshold of having the career I never had. I’ll admit I was a bit jealous. My self-doubt and fear of rejection had gotten the best of me for too long. I was encouraged by my wife, Doreen, and my good friend, Dave, who kept telling me they thought my work was good. That is pretty much their job, isn't it? They are supposed to encourage and support, within reason. I was also getting positive feedback from people who had no reason to make me feel good so I decided to give it a shot.

I spend much of my spare time shooting, editing, submitting and writing. Then the social media accounts have to be updated so that word of my work gets out. This is when I am not reading about the latest photography techniques and tricks, trying to learn marketing or searching for contacts. There are weekend days where I sit at the computer early in the morning and suddenly realize that it is mid-afternoon. It is exhausting at times but nobody is going to do it for me. It is a labor of love and I am beginning to get the recognition I sought. It took me a long time to get here and I plan to savor every minute. Doubting my ability is a thing of the past - I know I am good but I am still learning and getting better all the time. I sometimes wonder what life would have been like if I just said "Screw it! I am going to be a photographer!" I know life would have been quite different but I can't possibly know how or whether for better or worse.

The moral of the story is that you need to live life, take chances and never let doubt or fear of failure control you. My father once told me that it didn't matter what career I chose but I should be certain to like it because I was going to be doing it for a very long time. I have had two (2) careers - one as a draftsman and my current career as a programmer - and I have gotten great pleasure and sense of accomplishment from both. That said, I can't help but wonder....

Chase Your Dreams

I think that, of all the things we "waste" during our lives, dreams are the saddest. When we are young, we all have dreams; "I'm going to be an astronaut.", "I'm going to cure the common cold.", "I want to be an explorer.", etc.... They were very real to us and we were sincere but then we'd watch a movie and want to be a cowboy or a pirate. As we get older, we dream of being the underdog and rising against all odds, like Rocky or eradicating hunger throughout the world. We knew no limits.

As we get older, we may learn that we are claustrophobic so being an astronaut is out and the pirate's life is not as glamorous as we originally thought. We learn that dreaming is good but you have responsibilities; the mortgage company does not care that you are the best table tennis player in the county. We hold on to the dreams but they are reserved for quiet moments of reflection waiting for the weekly status meeting to start.

Harry Chapin once sang, "you're supposed to dream when you are young."^* Is this true? Do we run out of time to make the dream a reality? When is it "too late" and why don't we realize it beforehand? What held us back to begin with? So many questions but what are the answers?

There are certainly outside influences, such as physical limitations or some life-changing event that forces you in a different direction; a broken leg may not heal properly, dashing your dream of being an Olympic sprinter. Your family and friends may support your dream to a degree but urge you to “think long-term” and question how you will be able to make a living. This is a very strong influence and can plant the seed of doubt that we cannot prevent from growing.

I think the most common reason might come from insecurity. We just don’t know if we are good enough and that keeps us from trying. When you have done your best, and it isn’t good enough, that is a bitter pill to swallow. The fear isn’t necessarily of failure but of learning we weren’t as good as we thought and that is terrifying. We may not even be conscious of it. It’s like being at the edge of a creek you want to cross – you can try to jump the five feet to the other bank or walk a quarter mile to the footbridge. Do you take the leap or the safe route? Too often we decide to go the “safe route.”

Of course, not everyone turns their back on the dreams. A world without dreamers would not only be boring but we would probably still be drawing pictures on cave walls. Every generation has their dreamers who aren’t afraid – whether they dream of building a new country, explore the universe or, yes, cure the common cold. Without them there would be no telephone, no automobiles and no Beatles! Can you imagine a life without The Beatles? Aunt Mimi told John Lennon, “Playing the guitar is all very well, John, but you'll never make a living at it.” Thankfully he didn’t listen to her, in fact, years later he had those words put on a placque and hung it over her fireplace.

That’s what it boils down to – find your dream, put your head down and charge at it with all you’ve got. If it works out, great! If it doesn’t, learn from it and move on. It could be that your dream was unrealistic or maybe you weren’t quite prepared. You can re-group and try again or turn to something else. The important thing is that you tried. When you try, there are two possible outcomes – success and failure. When you don’t try, the only possible outcome is, essentially, failure. It’s been said that at the end of your life you don’t regret the things you did as much as you regret the things you didn’t do. Go out and take the chance. Give your dream a shot. It may not work out but that’s okay. Failure doesn’t define you as a person unless you let it.

So, Harry was right – you are supposed to dream when you are young – but don’t stop there. Seize the day. Chase your dream. Don’t let anyone get in your way or into your head. You don’t want to be sitting at a desk one day and wonder, “What if?”

^* "Dreams Go By" by Harry Chapin

Advice to Fathers - Listen to "Cat's in the Cradle"

"My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away"

The snippet above starts the song Cat's in the Cradle by Harry Chapin. It is one of his biggest hits and it was a big influence on the father I became. If you are not familiar with the song I have a link to the YouTube video below.

The song is all about the father-son relationship and how they get so wrapped up in life they have little time for what really matters - each other. When I was growing up the circumstance was quite similar; my father worked during the day, came home for dinner and then went to a second job not coming home until after 10:00 PM. He didn't work on Friday night but worked the second job for a half day on Saturday. This meant he was home on Friday night, Saturday afternoon/evening and all day on Sunday. There was some family time but there was also time when he was busy - working in the garage (he did woodworking), working in the yard or a combination of both. I was able to help a bit but mostly I could watch if I was home. What I remember most is going to dinner at my favorite pizzeria and visiting my father’s family on Sundays. He never got to see me play sports, didn't get to chaperone class trips or see me perform in variety shows at school. As I got older I decided that I was going to do everything I could not to miss out on my children's growing up.

When I heard Cat's in the Cradle for the first time there was an instant connection. This was the essence of my life and the antithesis to my plans. You can say that it became my anthem. I have had a number of opportunities to work in Manhattan, very good opportunities, but I turned down most because of the lost time at home. When the kids were about 8 and 10 I had no choice but to take a contract job in Manhattan. This was during softball/baseball season and I missed every one of their weekday practices and games. It so happens that many of the weekend games got rained out during that time. Until that time I was at every practice, game and school event that I could; definitely anything after work. I will never have that time back and I was happy when the contract ended.

For me it is a quality of life issue; I could make a lot of money and miss out on life or make enough money to life comfortably and make a life worth living. I think I made the right choice. My kids are in their 20's now but they still remember the times we played together or did other activities. For me, that is worth more than money, you cannot buy memories like that.

So, my advice for you first-time fathers or fathers-yet-to-be is to listen to Cat's in the Cradle and learn the lesson being taught. The boy in the song wanted to grow up to be like his father and, to the chagrin of the father, he did!

Harry Chapin - Cat's In The Cradle