Doubt Whom You Will, But Never Yourself

Doubt whom you will, but never yourself. - Christian Nestell Bovee

Inspiration comes when you least expect it and, often, from surprising places. I, more often than not, don't know when or where the idea for a blog post will come from. There are times when I sit down to purposely write about something - a song, movie, personal experience, etc.... - but it seems that lately an idea will come to me from nowhere, when I least expect it. This is one of those times.

I have a collection of quotes that I have gathered over time, some I stumble across and others I seek out. The majority of which are about nature and I have used them as inspiration for photo shoots and blog posts. I also have some under the heading of "Inspiration" which is where this title came from. Anyone with a social media account has seen the inspirational memes; I have and I collect ones that I find particularly interesting. I have no idea where this one came from but I liked it so it went in the list and was forgotten. I was looking at the list this morning and this quote jumped out at me; next thing I know I am typing it in the "title" block of this post.

This is a very powerful statement and I took it to heart. You see, like everyone else, I had dreams and aspirations when I was growing up - early on I was going to be a scientist but discovered I wasn't all that enthused with much of the science part. It was around that time (my early teens) that I discovered photography and quickly developed (pun intended) a love for it that has only gotten stronger over time. I was going to be a photographer but I had to learn how to do something else because all indications were that it was no way to make a living. There was doubt that I could make it in the art world so I got a real job in a real career. I didn't give up on photography but I accepted it as a hobby. There were many people around me who told me I was good but no one really ever said I was great and should pursue it. I did try in the late 1980's by submitting slides to a prominent calendar publisher (another story for another time….) but was soundly rejected which let me know that my doubt was not misplaced. It took nearly 30 years before I was ready to try again.

Fast-forward many years and an unhappy job situation re-ignited the fire which lead to my first experiences writing a photography blog. This was also right around the time I got my first DSLR and my daughter was leaving for her first year of college - a photography major! I started out posting a single image and maybe writing a short description. There were other times when I would write an instructional post. I got a fair reception but I wanted to do more - I love telling stories and wanted to combine my photography and storytelling. The problem was that I have always been insecure about my writing - I was filled with doubt. I had a small following and was afraid they might go away if I started writing more. I decided it didn't matter, if people didn't read it then I would just do it for myself as a hobby. Surprisingly, I didn't lose readers - I gained some! The blog evolved into one with multiple images and the story behind them. I discovered that I loved writing almost as much as I loved photography. I still had doubt about my ability as a writer and my ability to compete in the world of photography so it remained a creative outlet - nothing more.

It was a few years later that I discovered Niume which gave me the flexibility to write about many different topics and I took advantage of that; I started writing in the Business & Finance, Culture, Humour, Interesting, Lifestyle, Movies & Series, Music, Photography and Technology Spheres. In the first seven (7) months writing on Niume, I published 74 posts! Sadly, Niume grew too big, too fast and wasn’t well managed – it is no longer around. My experience with Niume prompted me to continue writing in various categories so I started writing two blogs; this one, From the Mind of Joe Valencia, and a photography blog, Exploring Photography with Joe Valencia. (Note: I have kept all of my writing from that period, updating and posting them here when I think it is appropriate; this post was originally published in October 2016.)

While I am still a little insecure (who isn't) about my writing, and photography, I no longer doubt that I am at the very least competent. A few years ago I began doing more with my photography than just sharing on Facebook and blogging; I began actively pursuing it as a part-time moneymaking endeavor. This was right around the time my daughter was graduating college with her photography degree and on the threshold of having the career I never had. I’ll admit I was a bit jealous. My self-doubt and fear of rejection had gotten the best of me for too long. I was encouraged by my wife, Doreen, and my good friend, Dave, who kept telling me they thought my work was good. That is pretty much their job, isn't it? They are supposed to encourage and support, within reason. I was also getting positive feedback from people who had no reason to make me feel good so I decided to give it a shot.

I spend much of my spare time shooting, editing, submitting and writing. Then the social media accounts have to be updated so that word of my work gets out. This is when I am not reading about the latest photography techniques and tricks, trying to learn marketing or searching for contacts. There are weekend days where I sit at the computer early in the morning and suddenly realize that it is mid-afternoon. It is exhausting at times but nobody is going to do it for me. It is a labor of love and I am beginning to get the recognition I sought. It took me a long time to get here and I plan to savor every minute. Doubting my ability is a thing of the past - I know I am good but I am still learning and getting better all the time. I sometimes wonder what life would have been like if I just said "Screw it! I am going to be a photographer!" I know life would have been quite different but I can't possibly know how or whether for better or worse.

The moral of the story is that you need to live life, take chances and never let doubt or fear of failure control you. My father once told me that it didn't matter what career I chose but I should be certain to like it because I was going to be doing it for a very long time. I have had two (2) careers - one as a draftsman and my current career as a programmer - and I have gotten great pleasure and sense of accomplishment from both. That said, I can't help but wonder....

Happy Thanksgiving! Please Pass the Pasta.

I always looked forward to Thanksgiving when I was growing up but not necessarily for the same reason as a lot of other people. It wasn't about the food, it was all about seeing family. You see, I couldn't care less about all of the food. In fact, I looked forward to it in spite of the food! I am one of a very small minority (or so it seems) who doesn't eat turkey. I don't eat any fowl whatsoever. The truth is, I don't even like being in the same room as someone eating it. It has been this way for as long as I can remember. The last time I ever attempted to eat fowl was during the Summer of 1978 - I was visiting my girlfriend and her mother asked if I wanted to stay for dinner. I accepted the invitation, not knowing that barbecue chicken was on the menu. I remember eating it and wishing for a quick death. It's been even longer since I had a hot dog, but I digress.

As I mentioned, I looked forward to Thanksgiving not for the feast but for the company. Most of my family lived in New Jersey and I saw them throughout the year but one of my mothers' sisters lived in Massachusetts with her family; I usually only got to see them at Thanksgiving and Christmas. My two (2) aunts are only 10 and 11 years older than I and growing up were more like older sisters to me. I never called either "Aunt" until I had kids of my own. I don't know if they know it or not but they both played a big part in who I am today and were a big influence.

Thanksgiving was the day we all got together at my grandmother's house for dinner - there was my grandmother and her two (2) sisters, my uncle with his family and my aunts with their families. It got pretty crowded but no one seemed to care. It got particularly crowded around the fireplace if it was a cold day. I don't remember exactly when but at some point the Thanksgiving dinner was moved from my grandmother's house to my parents. There was more room and, at times, more people but it wasn't quite the same. Then my parents sold the house and moved to Florida, they came back for Thanksgiving and stayed through Christmas but dinner had moved to my aunt’s house. There were even more people and more room, even a fireplace, but it still wasn’t Grandma’s house….

Once I got married and started my own family we would split time between the families, more times than not I think we had dinner with my family and dessert with my wife’s family. I cannot remember the last time my entire family got together for Thanksgiving but I know it has been at least 10 years. Family members have moved away and some have died. We are now spread out – East Coast, North and South – even a different country!

The last few years we have stayed at home for Thanksgiving dinner. We have the traditional turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, etc…. but we also have pasta. There was always pasta at my in-laws’ and there is always pasta at my home. This year is no exception. There have been years when my wife has to work until early afternoon so my kids would do the cooking – my job is to make the dinner rolls. The dinner rolls have been my job for at least 20 years, maybe more. I think I was up to about 4 dozen at one time.

I miss the old days a lot sometimes, as hectic as they could be. I would love to be able to stand in front of my grandmother’s fireplace just one more time after dinner, talking to my aunts and great-aunts. I enjoyed talking to my uncle, of course, but after dinner it was difficult because he was usually asleep on the couch. He could eat a ton and sleep through an air raid siren!

I am thankful for the memories I have and for the memories that are made every day. I am thankful for my wife and kids, as well as my extended family. I am thankful for those who have stuck by me in good times and especially for those who have stuck by me in the bad times. I am thankful for my friends, both old and new. I am thankful that I have an opportunity to give back to the community through volunteering for a couple great causes – it is more fulfilling than I could have ever imagined.

Thank you for stopping by and sticking around long enough to read this closing paragraph. I am also thankful for you, the readers of my posts, for indulging me. I find great joy and satisfaction in writing that I never expected. I wish all of my fellow countrymen a Happy Thanksgiving!

Horror Movie Overload

Help!

I think I have fallen victim to Jason Voorhees. Wait! It may have been Michael Myers but, then again, maybe it was Freddie Kreuger or the Candyman! Could it be The People Under the Stairs? Where's Norman? HELP! Someone is after me, I just don't know who!

You see, I grew up watching thrillers/sci-fi/suspense shows and movies. When I got into my late teens and twenties I started going to horror movies. I've seen all of the big ones - Psycho, The Exorcist, Halloween, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street and Candyman to name but a few. I'm not a fan of the newer stuff though - The Ring, Saw and the like are too much anymore. I do, however, like the Scream series - horror and parody is a fun mix. I also learned something from Scream; never, ever, say "I'll be right back!"

I am not what you would describe as "paranoid" but I have found certain things creeping into my daily life that make me think I have seen too many horror movies. See if you are finding yourself doing the same things.

You know you have watched too many horror movies when....

1. You enter a dark bathroom and have to look in all of the stalls. Have you done this? We have a small men's room in the office with two stalls. There are times when I go in and the lights have been turned off. I now find myself opening the door to each stall and making sure they are empty. I have seen far too many pair of boots show up under the door....
2. Check the ceiling for removable tiles in case someone is hiding there. This goes along with the first item. I've made sure no one is hiding in a stall and then I check out the ceiling - is it solid or does it have removable tiles? We all know how sneaky these guys are; hide in the ceiling and then lower yourself down by one arm while wielding a machete in the other.
3. Look behind the shower curtain. It is surprising how dangerous the bathroom is, huh? Now, I know that Marion Crane was in the shower and "Mrs. Bates" pulled back the curtain but still.... This one actually has some basis in real-life; an acquaintance told me once that he awoke in the middle of the night to find someone had crawled in through his bathroom window (protected by a silver spoon, perhaps :-) ) and was hiding in the bathtub. I cannot go into a bathroom without checking out behind the shower curtain. I don't care if it is sheer - I have to push it aside and check it out. Every time!
4. Look behind the door after entering a dark room. I do not always do this, sometimes I just push on the door until I am convinced no one can be behind it. I guess this is a bit cliche' but you never know. How many times have you screamed at the poor soon-to-be victim when you see the glint of light coming off the knife behind the door.
5. Look in the back seat of your car before opening the door. Every time! On the rare occasion that I forget or can't see inside I lean over the seat and swing my arm around to see if I hit anything on the seat or floor. The killer is always in the back seat! This is another one that is based in real-life - there are stories (urban legend?) of people hiding in the back seat. I don't know anyone personally who has experienced this but I have read stories.

These are my Top Five - there are others, probably A LOT of others, but I think I will stop here. How many of these do you find yourself doing? What have I missed?

To Jason, Freddie, Michael and friends I have a message for you - "I know you're out there and I'm ready for you!" I think....

Did you know - May is Bladder Cancer Awareness Month?

May is Bladder Cancer Awareness Month

Looking over Mary Ann's shoulder

I know that May is Mental Health Awareness Month but had no idea it was also Bladder Cancer Awareness Month. Chances are, until now, you didn’t either.

I listen to NJ 101.5 FM on my drive home most days and a couple weeks ago I heard Bill Doyle, one of the hosts – talk about the upcoming Walk to end Bladder Cancer in Bradley Beach. Bill is a survivor and talked about participating in the walk. My weekend was clear so I thought I could contact the organizer, Mary Ann, and see if I could volunteer. Lucky for me, she said “Yes.”

The Walk

Mary Ann & Team Jack Aregood

The walk is held on the 1st Saturday in May and was begun by Mary Ann in 2011 to honor her late husband, Jack. The first event drew 23 walkers, the majority of whom were family. This year there were about 175 walkers but it is still very much a family affair with three generations taking part in the day’s activities. Jack lost his battle in 2008 and Mary Ann is on a mission to fund research and bring attention to this seldom talked about disease. Bladder cancer is the 6th most commonly diagnosed cancer and affects men at a rate 4x that of women. In spite of this, there is not a lot of attention being paid to the disease; many, me included, probably never gave it a thought.

Mary Ann addressing the crowd

I arrived at 11:15 Am to meet Mary Ann and get some instructions as to the day’s activities. Registration starts @ 12:00, walk @ 1:00 after some brief words from Mary Ann and Alejandra. There would be a presentation of the banner and then the walk would begin. The participants walk from one end of Bradley Beach to the other and back – about 2 miles in all.

Alejandra addressing the crowd

A little after 1:00 everyone started on their 2 mile journey, I try to capture everyone on their way out and then when they return but always being mindful that I am there for them – not the other way around. My intention is to stay out of the way and try to capture candid moments but it isn’t always an easy task. After the last walker leaves the Start Line I usually turn my attention to the oft-overlooked volunteers. There wasn’t a lot for me to do at this event because there were only three volunteers who were not also walking with the rest. This gave me some downtime to check out some of the literature and think about what I was going to do when everyone started to return. I enjoy covering the return more than the start – at the beginning, most people are somewhat businesslike – but something seems to happen to them along the way and there is more playfulness when they return. They are far more likely to “play” for the camera and have some fun.

and they're off!

Some thoughts

My day was done by 2:30; I had done all I could do and most participants had left. It is always a big letdown at the end of the day and today was no exception. This is the smallest event that I have covered but only in size – the enthusiasm and heart rivals all the others. Everyone has their reason for being there, whether it is their own battle with bladder cancer or honoring a loved one. It is deeply personal, everyone is there for their own reasons but they are all bound by a common thread – bringing awareness to the disease in the hope that others don’t have to experience what they have. I am glad that I had an opportunity to volunteer and cover this walk; I am already looking forward to next year. This is the first time I have volunteered for an event that I didn’t have a personal connection to but now I feel that I do; I will think about the survivors that I met like Bill and Fred. I will also keep with me those who were less fortunate, like Jack, and their families.

The Many Faces of Bladder Cancer

I mentioned Alejandra earlier but didn’t tell you who she is. She is the Education and Research Manager for the Bladder Cancer Advocacy Network (BCAN) and came from the northwest part of the state to be there with her family for the walk at The Shore. I got to spend some time getting to know her and learn more about the organization and bladder cancer. She is a hard-working advocate and the community couldn’t ask for anyone better to be by their side in this fight.

Thank you!

Team Fred

To everyone at BCAN and those who walked on Saturday, I would like to say “Thank you for letting me into the group and I look forward to next year!”

The Sponsors

For more information

For more information about bladder cancer and BCAN, check out their website at https://www.bcan.org/. You will find information about research, symptoms and how you can get involved in your area.

Volunteerism - It Does a Body (and Soul) Good

Discover why some of the richest people in the world are not millionaires, they are volunteers. – Jobail Brcelona

I like that quote. A lot! I have done volunteer work for most of my life but I think it has become more important to me as I got older. I can remember doing things when I was in school or as a Boy Scout and it did feel good to help but it also seemed like a chore that had to be done. Now I look forward to pitching in when I can. When I was in my 20’s I was a volunteer Event Photographer for the New Jersey Folk Festival held at Douglass College every April. I did this for four (4) years and had a great time. The days were long, the weather was usually quite hot and the action gave me little time to rest but it never occurred to me to turn down the opportunity to help. It is a great festival and a worthwhile cause. I learned a lot about how to shoot events, met a lot of great people and did my part to make the festival a success. I don’t get to the festival much anymore but I still take out the photos from time-to-time and hope to write about some of them in the upcoming months.

Volunteering is an excellent way to provide meaning in your life and help give back to your local community. – Peter Muggeridge

When I got older and had kids my volunteering took on another phase. I helped the soccer, softball and baseball coaches whenever I could; even if it was just taking over as a base coach during a game or playing catch with some of the outfielders during practice. I went on class trips when I could get the time off and they needed parents. My favorite trips were the two that I took to the pumpkin patch when each of my children were in kindergarten. They both had the same teacher, two years apart, and the pumpkin patch trip was one that everyone looked forward to. I have a story to tell about the second such trip but that is for another time. I was also involved when my son was a Cub Scout and then a Boy Scout. I was one of the parents that went to all the meetings and went on camping trips when I could. I wouldn’t trade any of the memories for all the money in the world.

“Those who can, do. Those who can do more, volunteer.” – Unknown

There is some work that I have done from the comfort of my own home. I learned how to build websites back in the 1990’s while working as a consultant for Lucent Technologies and I have put that knowledge to good use over the years. I built and maintained websites for two (2) churches, one that my children grew up attending and one that I grew up attending, and for a dog rescue/fostering group that a friend is involved with. The first church site that I did was something that I was asked to do. The church had a basic site but the person was no longer able to work on it so I took over. I added some functionality, changed the appearance a bit and made all of the updates. I did this for a few years and then it became something that no one had time for and it became somewhat stagnant. They have since found another person to work on it. The second church site was my idea. My grandmother had been quite active in the church for many, many years and I grew up going there. When she died I wanted to find a way to pay tribute and thought the best way would be to do something for the church. I contacted the minister, we had a meeting and I built the site. The only thing I asked in return was to be able to dedicate the site in her memory, which I did. The dog rescue site was run by someone I worked with. She contacted me one day to ask if I could help get the site functional. They had a developer working on it (it was written in ASP.NET) but for some reason quit and “took her ball home.” I fixed the site, added some features and everyone lived happily ever after.

You may not have saved a lot of money in your life, but if you have saved a lot of heartaches for other folks, you are a pretty rich man. – Seth Parker

Most recently I have returned to volunteering with my camera. In 2007 I volunteered for the 1st time with the JDRF Walk for a Cure in Avon-by-the-Sea. That year I was inside opening envelopes and counting money. It was an important job but very boring…. The next year I volunteered to work as a photographer, figuring that I could use the skills I learned working as an event photographer for the folk festival all those years ago. Well, it turned out that I was a Team Photographer. The teams could come to me and have their photo taken on the beach before, or after, they walked the 5k. This was a new experience to me. I had shot a few weddings in the past so taking group shots wasn’t new but some of the groups were 20, 30 or more people and at times I had 2 or 3 teams lined up! Talk about exhausting! I didn’t think I was going to make it through the day but I did. The funny thing was, as soon as I left that day I was looking forward to the next year. I volunteered through the 2013 Walk - that was my last. I learn something each year that helps the next year go a bit smoother. I had years where I was the only photographer and other years when I had help; my last year there were 3 of us. I always had 2 or more assistants to help organize the teams, without whom the task would be unbearable. What makes the JDRF walk so special is that I get to see some of the same teams each year and watch the kids grow. It is such a letdown when the event is over. The 2013 Walk was my last - circumstances had changed and I didn't feel I was needed so I "focused" my attention on other groups.

In June 2014 I worked as one of two Event Photographers for the Monmouth County Pancreatic Cancer Walk at Monmouth University and in September of the same year I worked as the photographer for the Jersey Shore Out of the Darkness Walk in Manasquan (it is now in Lake Como/Belmar). I wrote about Out of the Darkness last year year - Out of the Darkness - Suicide Prevention and Mental Health. Though circumstances have prevented me from working with the Pancreatic Cancer Walk since 2014 (check out my post here - Monmouth County Pancreatic Cancer Research Walk - Let's Find a Cure), I am working it this year - I am excited to get back. I have gotten more involved with the Out of the Darkness Walk in each of the subsequent years and now serve as a committee member as well as photographer. The job is physically demanding but I can't think of a better job in all of the world to have.

This year I was looking for more to do and found the Bladder Cancer Advocacy Network (BCAN) and Mary's Place by the Sea. They have walks in May (5th and 19th, respectively) and I will be volunteering with them for the first time.

If you are involved with a charity or other non-profit organization that could use my services, please feel free to get in touch. You can either leave a comment below or send an email to valencia32photo@gmail.com and let me know what you need. If you are interested in becoming involved in any of the events I have written about - please send me an email and I will make sure someone gets in touch with you!

Monmouth County Pancreatic Cancer Research Walk - Let's Find a Cure

The Starting Line

I had the pleasure of covering the Monmouth County Pancreatic Cancer Research Walk at Monmouth University a few years ago. I have been volunteering my photography services for a while and always looking for a good cause to support. I found the Monmouth County Pancreatic Cancer Research Walk and, without hesitation, I signed up to volunteer. I was very excited when I received a confirmation email along with some other information about the walk. My thought was that I would do Team photos, like I did for the JDRF, but I was assigned to be an Event Photographer. Uh oh…. I haven’t covered an event this big in a long time but if that was what they needed, that was what I was going to do. I was excited to be part of such an important event – it is important because it raises much needed money for research but it is also important to me on a more personal level. Pancreatic cancer took the lives of my mother-in-law, Joyce, and uncle, Pendy, and I have been looking for a way to honor their memories; this seemed to be the perfect way. If I can do my small part to aid in the research that leads to a cure, I think they would want me to. I was encouraged to hear Nicole read the names of two (2) survivors at the walk that year, but it is my hope that there will come a time when the list of survivors becomes too great to read aloud.

Nicole & her Dad starting the walk

The Monmouth County Walk was founded by Nicole Tuscano and her family in 2010 in honor of her mother, Cleo. Cleo lost her battle with pancreatic cancer in 2008. The day started for me at 7:00 AM when I arrived at Wilson Hall on the campus of Monmouth University. I was taken aback a little when I approached a small group of people and one of them, Nicole, greeted me by name. I was sure I had never met her before and couldn’t figure out how she knew who I was. I guess my confusion must have shown on my face because she quickly explained that she saw the camera bag and I was the only new photographer to the mix. I helped with a couple tables and a few cases of water and then set about my job. Too often the volunteers and others behind the scenes are treated like scenery but I like to shoot them as-well. In fact, one of the emails that I received from Nicole in advance of the walk mentioned that she wanted photos of the volunteers and her family, in addition to the participants. I soon met Frank, the other event photographer, and we discussed how to best cover all of the action. Frank had been involved with the walk before and knew the route, as well as the important aspects that we needed to cover. This proved to be invaluable and ensured full coverage.

A small part of the crowd

It wasn’t long before the once empty lawn was awash in yellow and purple as participants signed in, checked out the tables of information and grabbed a quick bite to eat. It was then that I decided to try taking a few shots from an elevated platform. The ideal would have been the roof of Wilson Hall but that didn’t seem likely so I chose the top of the stairs leading into the building. It was high enough to give me a good overview; the panoramic shot was taken from this position and then stitched together with Photoshop. Soon the time came for everyone to move to the Start/Finish line and for Nicole to say a few words before cutting the ribbon with her father. That was when everything really started. I tried to catch as many people at the start line as I could and when the last person crossed the line I headed for my next station to get set before the walkers had a chance to get there. I barely made it and I took a shortcut! I admit, the photos at the starting line were taken more to document the start of the walk but now I wanted to try to capture more of the life and essence of the walk and was more selective in my shooting. The most important thing for me is to stay out of the way and so I stayed to the side of the path and only crossed to the other side when there was a big enough break. Occasionally a team would stop and pose for me but mainly I just let the action go by and grabbed what I thought would make for a good photo. Again, I stayed in this position until the last person passed before I headed over towards the Pollack Auditorium to catch everyone passing through.

Camera shy....

The background wasn’t all that special so I walked against the current towards the stadium and set up there. The crowd had thinned out a bit more by this point which made shooting even easier than before. I could see potential shots earlier thereby giving me more time to get ready and frame the shot. There were a few times that I wished I had been shooting video, especially when a mother with her twins sons came by. She had allowed them to push the tandem stroller (they were barely able to reach the handles) but the one on the left was pushing a bit harder than the one on the right and so they kept veering off course. Mom had to keep correcting their tack but eventually they found straight and went on their way. When the last had passed I made my way back to the Start/Finish line but by the time I got there most of the walkers had finished. Luckily Frank was there to catch each and every person crossing the finish line. Did I mention how nice it was having someone else shooting?

The Volunteers (that's Nicole in the white shirt)

The walk was done but my job was not. It was time to catch everyone relaxing with a cool drink or maybe a purple bagel, enjoying the beautiful day. There was also the raffle to deal with. When everything was done and the participants had left it was time for one last photo – the Volunteers! Everyone gathered on the steps to Wilson Hall and I took a shot. I then took a few more, just in case. It was only then that my job was done and I could go home.

I met a lot of people that day – walkers and volunteers – and most of them had a very personal reason for being there, I know that I did. I wish I could share all of their stories but, unfortunately, I cannot. What I can do is to help get the word out and raise awareness with the hope of inspiring more people to get involved. Check out the Lustgarten Foundation website – here – to find ways to help. Volunteer. Walk. Donate. No contribution is too small, whether it be time or money. Thank you for stopping by – if you have a story you would like to share, please feel free to leave a comment below. Stay tuned for a post about the volunteers for this great event.

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All photos are copyright Joseph S. Valencia All Rights Reserved They may not be used in any way without express written permission of the photographer. If you wish to use any of the photos you may contact the photographer at valencia32photo@gmail.com

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Goodbye, my friend....

Goodbye, My Friend

I sit here mourning the loss of a friend. I met Johnny in 1965 and spent countless hours playing, riding bikes, guitar lessons – you name it and we were doing it together. Johnny had a fort in his backyard under a huge tree – this was a REAL FORT like the one in F-Troop and the tree had a rope ladder hanging from the lowest limb into the fort.

There was a crabapple tree a few blocks away – we would fill a couple buckets, ride back to the fort, climb into the tree and throw the apples at imaginary enemies trying to overtake the fort. It was a great “climbing” tree; we could climb high enough to see the racetrack a mile away and even beyond that if we went a little higher!

We took turns being Zorro in sword fights or talked about the latest Batman episode. When we were 10, our mothers conspired to get us to take guitar lesssons – promising us we might one day be on the radio. He ultimately went with electric guitar while I took the classical route. I remember his electric guitar well and I remember the day he bought it. Even though I decided to study classical guitar I always wanted to have his guitar - I wonder what ever happened to that guitar.... (SPOILER ALERT! We never performed on-air….) Jimmy lived around the corner from Johnny – the corners of their backyards almost touched – and it wasn’t long before Jimmy joined us. Jimmy was with us for many things but most memories of those times were of just we two.

One of our favorite bad weather activities was to take out my Viewmaster projector and have slideshows in my darkened hallway. We would take turns narrating with whatever popped into our heads. We were quite creative for a couple kids who had never been anywhere.

Shortly after I turned 12 (Johnny is about 2 months younger than I), Lenny moved to the neighborhood and immediately joined “The Gang” but, looking back, the dynamic changed; the four of us did a lot together but when it broke down to two (2), it was now Lenny that I partnered with. We became the inseparable duo that Johnny and I once were. The four of us packed a lot of adventure into the relatively short time together. We were “thick as thieves” and I thought we would be a force to be reckoned with forever. It turns out that “forever” was not as long as I thought….

Johnny’s father was a Little League coach even before we were old enough to play. His team was the LIONS and every kid in the neighborhood was guaranteed a spot on the team. He was a good man and one of the best coaches I ever had the privilege to play for. He died in August 2013 – I was sad but it was good to see John, his mother, brother and sister. This was the last time I saw John and, despite giving him my contact information, I never heard from him after that.

He's Alive!

I started writing this (longhand) during the, nearly, 3-day period that we thought Johnny was dead. I learned on Saturday afternoon that he was, indeed, still alive. An incredible wave of relief washed over me and I could not wait to let Lenny & Jimmy know. I then started to tear this story out of my notebook and throw it away but stopped. I realized it is still pertinent: I am still mourning the loss of a friend. It isn’t a physical loss – I could go to his home, ring the bell and say “Hi!” – but an emotional loss. I don’t ring his bell because all indications seem to point to his not wanting me to. The signs have been there for years but, til now, I refused to see them.

Lenny and I have done a lot of chatting lately – especially this past week – and I learned a few things that were disturbing to me. I say this, not about things I learned about others, but things I learned about myself. Self-discovery can be quite liberating but it can also lead to even more questions.

When I was trying to learn what happened my wife asked if I could think of any friends who may have kept in touch with Johnny – I couldn’t think of a single person. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I don’t know very much about his life after the age of 16 or 17. It is as if we became acquaintances – strangers even – and just exchanged pleasantries on the rare occasions that our paths crossed. How does this happen? Was I so wrapped up in my own life that I shut him out? Why has it taken 30 or 40 years to learn things that others accept as “common knowledge?” I don’t think I can ever have the answers but I don’t think the questions will go away either.

We (Lenny, Jimmy and I) spent the better part of 2 ½ days trying to confirm what we had been told of John’s death and, finally, on Saturday I found a phone number for his office. I waited for their office hours were almost over to call – hoping to speak with John but knowing I would get an answer either way. John wasn’t there but the woman on the phone assured me he was alive – at least no one in the office had knowledge to the contrary. She said she would get in touch with him and, worst case; she would call me later in the day but that I would have an answer that afternoon. An hour later, I had my answer. The woman called to say she spoke with John, telling him of our conversation. He was on the road somewhere but they had a good laugh and she told him to make sure to call me. I thanked her and anxiously awaited his call. I know that most rumors are based on fact – I wanted to know if he was okay but really just wanted to hear his voice. As I write this, I have been waiting a whole week.... I have come to the realization that he will not be calling at all….

Epilogue

That is what got me thinking about the course of our friendship and where is went off course. The question now becomes – what do I do going forward? I can’t stop caring but do I stop reaching out? Do I try again to get in touch and then stop? The answer is clear, even if I don’t want to acknowledge it; I have to respect his unspoken wishes and let him live his life. Not every question has a simple answer; some may not have an answer at all while still others lead to more questions. The sooner we can recognize that, there better off we will be.

You may have read my earlier post about “Stand By Me” (Stephen King's Stand By Me - Every Boy's Story) – I mention my “partners in crime” and how the movie makes me think of us. There are a number of lines that strike right at the heart of things – one that I thought of when writing this is spoken by Gordy at the end of the movie, referring to Chris – “Although I hadn't seen him in more than ten years, I know I'll miss him forever.” At the end of the movies comes one of the most insightful of any in the movie and I will close with it:

“I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?”